samthielman

  • No, no, no, no, no.

    Actually, Papa John Schnatter, if you weren’t such a money-grubbing, Scrooge-like greedbag, you could have been providing your employees with the minimum insurance requirements for a long time, thus avoiding a sudden rise in costs, like, say, Starbucks. This right here makes me want to go eat at Chick-Fil-A. No, no, no, no, no.

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  • Idiot reporter claims huge scoop because he’s decided a fact-checker who regularly disagrees with him is behaving unethically by—get this—*voting.* I also hear he bought a copy of “The Utne Reader” once

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  • I’ve met cats like this before.

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  • You Ought to Be Ashamed

    Honestly, Harold. If I had thought for a moment that it would come to this, we would never have bought you that chemistry set. “Just a little extra sulfur,” indeed. Your father and I have talked it over, and we think that the best thing for you would be to sacrifice Quackers on an altar…

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  • Six words

    Worst-case scenario: aliens like ourselves.

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  • Agamid

    Jason Agamid looks down at the sky and sees a big square chunk fall out of one voluminous puffy cumulonimbus monster cloud. There’s a hole in the cloud now, about one and a half times the size of the S.S. Clocktick, a perfectly square hole, with eddies of vapor that drift toward the its edges…

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  • Extremophile

    Okay now look see hear skip a beat as Janie holds on to Mark’s arm and absently strokes it like it’s a cat, strike that, the cat, the old cat, Doctor Teeth, the skittish orange tabby who liked to sleep under Mark’s ancient blue Mustang until a forgodsakes twelve-year-old trying to pop a wheelie on…

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  • More to come

    I’ll be posting regular fiction and essays here over the next six months, maybe longer. Hopefully I’ll be a better writer for it. I’ll be writing every day and hopefully posting most of what I write. It’s tempting to post it all, just for the sake of keeping a public record and making sure quality…

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