Stray Thoughts 1/19

 

  1. Actually, never mind. I wrote a submission packet for The Onion a couple years ago and never sent it off because I got my current (excellent) job but it’s much more pleasant than anything I was going to write. I just wrote headlines and never got around to writing the actual articles, but some of them are pretty funny, so here you go. Enjoy.
  2. Here they are:
    Terrifying Gang Initiation Ritual Huge Hit as Drinking Game

    Businessman Willing to Sacrifice Anything, Especially Goat, to Succeed

    Billionaire Scofflaw in Bondage Gear Brutalizes Dozens of Lower-Class Citizens of Gotham City

    Church Now a T-Mobile Store

    Beloved Guinea Pig Arthur, 2, Found Dead of Heroin Overdose

    Day Seized, Towed to Impound

    Listless Double Entendre Enthusiastically Penetrated

    Stunningly Beautiful 20 Year-Old Millionaire Offers Televised Words of Encouragement

    Opinion: Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You About the Mole People

    Time Warner Telemarketers Now Offering 10 Minutes of Complimentary Phone Sex

    Never Send to Know for Whom the Bell Tolls, Peter

    Balkan Vacationer Relying Heavily on Fuzzy Memory of Tintin Comic

    Beard Criticized

    Opinion: Today, the Faculty Break Room. Tomorrow, the World!

    Tense Five-Hour Closed-Door Negotiations Lead to Pineapple and Black Olives on Pizza

    PTA Objects to Renaming Remedial Math “Development Hell”

    Pun on Name Reestablished

    Quotidian Existence Sanctified by Almighty Zoltar for Reasonable Fee

    Death Sick of Negative Press for Doing His Fucking Job

    ***

    Prof. Wilbert Figwhistle’s Contrabulous Probl-O-Matic to Generate Dozens of Thinkpieces Per Hour

    Master of Ceremonies Overthrown

    Ad Engagement Up 3% Among Terminally Ill

    Flattering Stereotype Tolerated

    Death Toll Catastrophic in the Wake of Tropical Storm Pippi

    Pregnancy in Turnaround Due to Lack of Funding

    Cat Nonplussed

    Opinion: Your Mom

    Obscure Collectible Exhausted From Overproducing Jealous Glee

    Sandwich Freshness Reaches Record Nine-Day Low

    God Totally Apathetic About Child’s Lost Cat

    Character-Building First Job Sweaty

    Opinion: Bugs Bugs Bugs Bugs Bugs Bugs Bugs

    Marriage Saved by Inertia

    Homicidal Toddler Adorable

    Wish-Granting Pink Unicorn Leads Desperate, Unfulfilling Life

    Supervisor Saves Hundreds of Grateful Visors

    Scapegoat Makes It Through Fourth Round of Layoffs

    Virtue Its Own Reward, Apparently

    Automated Reassurances of Call’s Importance to Loan Company Grow Less Convincing With Every Repetition

    Veteran Thanked, Ignored

    Clown Cobbler’s Children Have No Clown Shoes

    Alcoholism Treasured

    Opinion: Who, Truly, Is the Madman, “Doctor” Fire Hydrant?

    Witchcraft Practiced, But Not Nearly Often Enough for Recital

    Twitter War Leads to Real War

    Opinion: Contrary to Appearances, I Haven’t Got All Day

    Public Statement From Rejected Blind Date Hints Darkly at Litigation

    Some Days It Feels Like the Lottery Is Never Going to Pay Off

    Hottest Girl From High School Works at CVS Now, Still Won’t Put Out

    Miserable Past Longed For

    Trip to DMV Cited in Decision to Build Piranha Tank, Weather Machine, Lair on Moon

    Astronaut Still Going On and Fucking On About It

    Democratic Party Has Lame Music, Cash Bar

    Free Spirit Doesn’t Have Car Insurance, No

    Co-Worker Mistakenly Befriended

    Lymphoma, Credit Rating in Remission

    Market-Price Fish Suggestive of Illegal Monopoly

    Best Possible Assumptions Made About Ruggedly Handsome Man

    Opinion: I Like Art That Takes Very Specific Risks

    Apple Debuts Tracking App for Homicidal Good Humor Truck Drivers, iScream

    Christian Afraid to Die for Some Reason

    Weekend With Father-in-Law Really Hard on the Ol’ Cuticles

    Ex-Girlfriend’s Career Suddenly Going From Strength to Strength

    Tropical Paradise Evacuated

    Report: Robot Journalists 80% Better at Literally Everything

    President Explodes

    Ridiculous Bullshit Motivational Picture of Cat Cried Over

    Opinion: Seriously, Carl

    Red Wine Found to Be Excellent Source of Alcohol

    Missionary Actually Enjoys a Variety of Sexual Positions, But Thanks for Telling That One Again

    Underprivileged Handicapped Queer Minority Woman Honestly Sort of Unpleasant

    Flower Thrilled That It’s Finally Cooling Off for the First Time, Like, Ever

    Squirrel Absolutely Positive He Left That Nut Right Here

    Yes, Restaurant Delivery Guy Judging You

    Horizontal Stripes Overworked

    Neon Flowers on Sanitary Pad Honestly Just Making The Whole Thing Worse

    LDS Group Studies LSD, Discovers Handsome Blond Heterosexual Dragons

    Fruit Eaten Begrudgingly

    Man With No Social Skills Pretty Sure He Nailed That Job Interview

    Disaster Eagerly Anticipated

    Christmas Renamed “Season Finale”

    Godzilla, Mothra, Sign Historic Fort Braaaaaaaaauuufggghhk Accords

    Relaxation Transitions Seamlessly Into Malaise

    Opinion: Does This Penis Look Erect to You?

    Clumsy Astrophysicist Not Exactly a Rocket Scientist

    Dr. Ghastwell’s Enchanted Cabinet of the Forbidden Found to Contain Ties

    Onion Rings Referred to as “Palliative Care”

    Greatest Living Interpreter of Brahms So Drunk, You Guys

    Fabulously Attractive Couple’s Mutual Suspicion Reaches New Heights

    Self-Deprecation Egged On

    Daylight-Saving Slasher Claims 13th Victim, Making an Even Dozen

    Author’s Preferred Text of Literary Graphic Novel Features Much Tighter Costumes on Complex Female Characters

    Fearsome Public Deity Angrily Rejects Initial Public Offering

    Vengeance Belongs to Chester Philips, 87, of Fayetteville, N.C.

    Negative Yelp Review of Hospice P0sted

    Pigeon Walking Around Like He Owns the Place

    Late Author of The Velveteen Rabbit Found to Have Subsisted Entirely on Children’s Tears

    Intimate and Thorough Knowledge of Intersectional Politics Demonstrated by Huge Douchebag

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