- Actually, never mind. I wrote a submission packet for The Onion a couple years ago and never sent it off because I got my current (excellent) job but it’s much more pleasant than anything I was going to write. I just wrote headlines and never got around to writing the actual articles, but some of them are pretty funny, so here you go. Enjoy.
- Here they are:
Terrifying Gang Initiation Ritual Huge Hit as Drinking GameBusinessman Willing to Sacrifice Anything, Especially Goat, to Succeed
Billionaire Scofflaw in Bondage Gear Brutalizes Dozens of Lower-Class Citizens of Gotham City
Church Now a T-Mobile Store
Beloved Guinea Pig Arthur, 2, Found Dead of Heroin Overdose
Day Seized, Towed to Impound
Listless Double Entendre Enthusiastically Penetrated
Stunningly Beautiful 20 Year-Old Millionaire Offers Televised Words of Encouragement
Opinion: Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You About the Mole People
Time Warner Telemarketers Now Offering 10 Minutes of Complimentary Phone Sex
Never Send to Know for Whom the Bell Tolls, Peter
Balkan Vacationer Relying Heavily on Fuzzy Memory of Tintin Comic
Beard Criticized
Opinion: Today, the Faculty Break Room. Tomorrow, the World!
Tense Five-Hour Closed-Door Negotiations Lead to Pineapple and Black Olives on Pizza
PTA Objects to Renaming Remedial Math “Development Hell”
Pun on Name Reestablished
Quotidian Existence Sanctified by Almighty Zoltar for Reasonable Fee
Death Sick of Negative Press for Doing His Fucking Job
***
Prof. Wilbert Figwhistle’s Contrabulous Probl-O-Matic to Generate Dozens of Thinkpieces Per Hour
Master of Ceremonies Overthrown
Ad Engagement Up 3% Among Terminally Ill
Flattering Stereotype Tolerated
Death Toll Catastrophic in the Wake of Tropical Storm Pippi
Pregnancy in Turnaround Due to Lack of Funding
Cat Nonplussed
Opinion: Your Mom
Obscure Collectible Exhausted From Overproducing Jealous Glee
Sandwich Freshness Reaches Record Nine-Day Low
God Totally Apathetic About Child’s Lost Cat
Character-Building First Job Sweaty
Opinion: Bugs Bugs Bugs Bugs Bugs Bugs Bugs
Marriage Saved by Inertia
Homicidal Toddler Adorable
Wish-Granting Pink Unicorn Leads Desperate, Unfulfilling Life
Supervisor Saves Hundreds of Grateful Visors
Scapegoat Makes It Through Fourth Round of Layoffs
Virtue Its Own Reward, Apparently
Automated Reassurances of Call’s Importance to Loan Company Grow Less Convincing With Every Repetition
Veteran Thanked, Ignored
Clown Cobbler’s Children Have No Clown Shoes
Alcoholism Treasured
Opinion: Who, Truly, Is the Madman, “Doctor” Fire Hydrant?
Witchcraft Practiced, But Not Nearly Often Enough for Recital
Twitter War Leads to Real War
Opinion: Contrary to Appearances, I Haven’t Got All Day
Public Statement From Rejected Blind Date Hints Darkly at Litigation
Some Days It Feels Like the Lottery Is Never Going to Pay Off
Hottest Girl From High School Works at CVS Now, Still Won’t Put Out
Miserable Past Longed For
Trip to DMV Cited in Decision to Build Piranha Tank, Weather Machine, Lair on Moon
Astronaut Still Going On and Fucking On About It
Democratic Party Has Lame Music, Cash Bar
Free Spirit Doesn’t Have Car Insurance, No
Co-Worker Mistakenly Befriended
Lymphoma, Credit Rating in Remission
Market-Price Fish Suggestive of Illegal Monopoly
Best Possible Assumptions Made About Ruggedly Handsome Man
Opinion: I Like Art That Takes Very Specific Risks
Apple Debuts Tracking App for Homicidal Good Humor Truck Drivers, iScream
Christian Afraid to Die for Some Reason
Weekend With Father-in-Law Really Hard on the Ol’ Cuticles
Ex-Girlfriend’s Career Suddenly Going From Strength to Strength
Tropical Paradise Evacuated
Report: Robot Journalists 80% Better at Literally Everything
President Explodes
Ridiculous Bullshit Motivational Picture of Cat Cried Over
Opinion: Seriously, Carl
Red Wine Found to Be Excellent Source of Alcohol
Missionary Actually Enjoys a Variety of Sexual Positions, But Thanks for Telling That One Again
Underprivileged Handicapped Queer Minority Woman Honestly Sort of Unpleasant
Flower Thrilled That It’s Finally Cooling Off for the First Time, Like, Ever
Squirrel Absolutely Positive He Left That Nut Right Here
Yes, Restaurant Delivery Guy Judging You
Horizontal Stripes Overworked
Neon Flowers on Sanitary Pad Honestly Just Making The Whole Thing Worse
LDS Group Studies LSD, Discovers Handsome Blond Heterosexual Dragons
Fruit Eaten Begrudgingly
Man With No Social Skills Pretty Sure He Nailed That Job Interview
Disaster Eagerly Anticipated
Christmas Renamed “Season Finale”
Godzilla, Mothra, Sign Historic Fort Braaaaaaaaauuufggghhk Accords
Relaxation Transitions Seamlessly Into Malaise
Opinion: Does This Penis Look Erect to You?
Clumsy Astrophysicist Not Exactly a Rocket Scientist
Dr. Ghastwell’s Enchanted Cabinet of the Forbidden Found to Contain Ties
Onion Rings Referred to as “Palliative Care”
Greatest Living Interpreter of Brahms So Drunk, You Guys
Fabulously Attractive Couple’s Mutual Suspicion Reaches New Heights
Self-Deprecation Egged On
Daylight-Saving Slasher Claims 13th Victim, Making an Even Dozen
Author’s Preferred Text of Literary Graphic Novel Features Much Tighter Costumes on Complex Female Characters
Fearsome Public Deity Angrily Rejects Initial Public Offering
Vengeance Belongs to Chester Philips, 87, of Fayetteville, N.C.
Negative Yelp Review of Hospice P0sted
Pigeon Walking Around Like He Owns the Place
Late Author of The Velveteen Rabbit Found to Have Subsisted Entirely on Children’s Tears
Intimate and Thorough Knowledge of Intersectional Politics Demonstrated by Huge Douchebag
GRAPHOMANIA 