Happy International Women’s Day!

Here is your day, ladies! Have a happy one. Fellow men, here are some ways to celebrate, if you’re so inclined – here’s to dames! Can’t live without ‘em, am I right or am I right?

1. When next you fail in your amorous designs on a young woman of your acquaintance, try not inviting her out to coffee to “clear the air” and telling her that her rejection of you is the reason you don’t believe in God. Bonus Women’s Day points if this woman is devoutly religious!

2. If you find yourself overwhelmingly attracted to a lady you don’t know well who is carrying a stack of books next to you in an elevator, why not avoid grabbing and kissing her? It’s only fair, and perhaps she’ll let you kiss her later. Probably not, but perhaps. If you can’t manage this, let her put the books down first.

3. It’s unlikely, but try to imagine it: your advances have been rejected. There are many explanations – poor eyesight on her part, her coarse taste, a crucial virtue of yours that went unitemized by you during the informational period of your courtship. But if such a thing should happen, as it sadly might, in celebration of this glorious day, don’t text the object of your noble affections on and off over the subsequent four years, well into her marriage to a less deserving fellow. Be a good sport – when she texts “stop texting me,” give it some thought, and see if you can find your way to no longer texting her.

4. At the sight of a beautiful stranger on the street, why not try a new, Women’s Day-style approach? Instead of leaning into her and hissing “SEXY ASS” into her ear as you pass her by, smile, don’t make eye contact closer than about eight feet away, and pass by without touching or speaking to her as a gesture of your appreciation of the female form.

5. If a woman likes or dislikes something, this March 8, let her.

Thanks to the women who offered these surprisingly detailed suggestions.

Author: samthielman

Sam Thielman is a reporter and critic based in Brooklyn, New York. His blog is samthielman.com, his twitter handle is @samthielman, and if you can't find him you should check The Strand.

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