The Sexist

I think what it mostly is is that he’s afraid of seeming abnormal, or unusual in some kind of way that would make him stand out and attract unwanted attention, because of his important work. So what he does is lash out at people, women in particular, since he’s so lonely and sad and unknowable and stuff. Which makes sense, because of the height and depth of his intellect.

Anyway, when he says this stuff—which is totally wrong and definitely offensive—he’s invariably misunderstood, even though it’s just like, the tiniest corner of his depth as a human being and what’s really important about him is that he builds rocket ships, I think, or time machines, possibly? It’s not clear. All I know absolutely on-the-record for certain is that it’s really crucial to our survival and happiness as a species, in particular women, because let’s all be honest, as he’d probably be the first to remind us, civilization is for women in the first place right? I mean this whole thing, this whole mad human comedy is just so women can go around not getting raped, since that’s basically all men do. I mean, men are super rapey. I think he’d be the first to admit that.

The problem, essentially, is that, because of his eternal lonely-deityness and high-minded abstraction, he gets really sensitive to any kind of perceived slight and expresses his pain through threatening people. He’d absolutely never hurt anyone, ever, under any circumstances, physically, unless it was, like, in a Batman way. To defend women, especially. Like if a woman was tied up or something.

So if you’re not tuned into his incredibly sophisticated wavelength—and let me stress here that it’s really not your fault if you’re not—then what happens is that you’re just probably going to say something that sets him off and doesn’t merely hurt his feelings (he’s above feelings now, I think, probably), but it distracts him from his really important work, which, again, is honestly probably the best hope we have against aliens, or maybe goats? Ghosts! Not goats. Ha, sorry, sometimes it’s hard to read his handwriting.

Just think of him like Doctor Who, except maybe kind of meaner sometimes. But also more useful and committed to the advancement of the human animal through this mad, careening universe of sadness and decay! Anyway, it’s really important for you to understand that he doesn’t hate women. At all. He loves women. He spends, like, all of his time thinking about women. That’s how much he loves them. He thinks about all the ways he’d protect them, keep them safe, etc. And so sometimes he’s just kind of out of it and gets blindsided, and lashes out, because of the cruelty of the world.

And you know, asking him to apologize for that is basically asking him to compromise this really advanced and creative and evolutionarily groundbreaking values system he’s crafting, alongside his spaceships and laser beams and time machines and other stuff he’s essentially finished with, and his complex values system is really a part of that. His morality is super important—I mean, you could even say that it is the important thing about him. Not in a pretentious way, but he’s here to teach us how to live, to be better men and, yes, women. Because he knows us all so well, not through actually meeting us or listening to us on any level, but by being himself super hard. And I mean, do you really want to ask him to change that person he’s spent all this time and all this amazing genius-level intellectual firepower comprehending and perfecting?

I hope not. For all our sakes.

Author: samthielman

Sam Thielman is a reporter and critic based in Brooklyn, New York. His blog is, his twitter handle is @samthielman, and if you can't find him you should check The Strand.

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