A Transcript of This Afternoon’s Events

Gentleman: Come over here and let me eat you, baby.
Lady: Fuck you.
Gentleman: I’ll let you kiss it.
Lady [upset]: Fuck you!
Gentleman: I’ll crack that ass wide open.
Me: Hey. Don’t be an asshole.
Gentleman: Come on, baby.
Person on the phone with me: Who are you talking to?
Me: Some guy is being a huge asshole to this girl.
Gentleman: I heard that.
Me: Good. Don’t be an asshole.
Gentleman: Titty-boy! Titty-boy! You so fat. You fucking disgusting.
Me: There’s a cop right down there.
Gentleman: Oh my god, you fucking disgusting.
Me: Now he’s following me, because he doesn’t have anything better to do.
POTPWM: Are you all right?
Me: I’m heartbroken. He’s the editor of the New York Times Book Review and I really value his opinion.
Gentleman: Aw, you are disgusting. You a *cunt.* You are SO FAT.
Me [pulling up my shirt to expose the hairy magnitude of my navel as my wife gives him the bird]: Hey, man!
Gentleman [stymied]: Disgusting.

New York is a magical place.