Seven Things That Are Happening While Scientology’s Super Bowl Ad Plays on a Grainy Monitor in the Background

  1. A black sphere the size of a softball flies into a darkened alleyway across the street from a store with televisions sitting in the window. It expands until it threatens to touch the walls; then, abruptly, it vanishes, leaving behind a golden-haired child in a white robe astride a unicorn. He is bearing the Scepter of Xanthar, the one thing that can bring the reign of the Wotankind to an end. There are footsteps! He flees. It is as if he was never there. “Welcome,” says a voice from the televisions in the window, “to the age of answers.”
  2. The Commissioner of Sins addresses his subordinates—he wears a gray business suit, a green tie, and a black hood over his head as he stands with his back to row upon row of monitors, all playing the same thing. His briefcase is on the table. We cannot hear his voice as he gesticulates, only the soothing tones of the video: “Now imagine an age in which the predictability of science and the wisdom of religion combine,” instructs the unseen voice. The Commissioner has withdrawn a strange, multi-bladed tool from his briefcase.
  3. Two rats fight over a potato.
  4. Two wolves fight over a rat.
  5. A bunny rabbit hops through the dessicated remains of an apartment building, overgrown with grass and vines. There is a single television, battery-powered, playing a pixellated, repeating video over and over. The sound of helicopters is heard overhead. The bunny rabbit runs away. Where he was only a moment before, a black boot steps into the frame.
  6. Flowing locks trailing behind her as she runs, the Princess sprints through the Videologe, giant screens all around her, each bearing the same oppressive image. Rainbows shoot from her eyes, slowing the sound coming seemingly from all around her into a grotesque growl. The Commissioner howls in frustration; the golden-haired child looks down approvingly.
  7. Two unicorns have a contest to see who is the prettiest. Everyone wins.